There are eleven minutes left on my timer. It started off at 20 minutes, with the hope of writing today. Getting back into the habit is good, but challenging. I have journal entries out the whazoo. Journals that are in spiral notebooks, hardcovers, and on sheets of paper stuffed inside others. Bullet/ dot journals, lined paper journals, and notes. And what will I do with all of them? At one point, I considered having a burn party. Ha! For myself. Because I am not the one to revisit any of those old entries. And do what? Dig up old memories that should have died the year they were written?
So, here we are. Four minutes and 13 seconds are on the clock now. What am I writing about? Devotion.
I'm staring at two scriptures: Proverbs 10:4 and Psalm 34:5. I rewrote them on 3x5-inch index cards yesterday after reading all the affirmation cards I'd created a while back. "I am DILIGENT." (Proverbs 10:4 NIV) Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth. I could go down the rabbit hole and do a whole search on the definition of diligence. That just might be an option today. We'll see.
The next affirmation comes from Psalm 34:5: "I am RADIANT." Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
My truth is that I've been revisiting a past decision. It was a shameful one. Now, twenty-plus years later, I am not quite sure how to digest the consequence. I know there is no condemnation in Christ.
Pause. Three seconds left on the timer, and it feels like I've got a semi-flow. Finally.
The scripture is Romans 8:1, and the Message translation hits different. No typo. Differently fits, but I need you to feel what I write. I even read the International Children's Bible version to see how they worded it. It reads, "I am not judged guilty..."
My dilemma, which really isn't one, after reading this entire chapter, is that I know I am forgiven. I know that my sins are wiped away. I know that God doesn't hold them over my head in a manipulative way to get me to do right. And, I know I don't plan on making that choice from years ago ever again. But now, it feels like that choice is hindering my plans to move forward. It feels like I need to confess or figure out what's holding me up. I have confessed to my husband. He knows the whole story. And he knows that there were two decisions long ago. We've prayed about it together, but something is blocking my total healing. What is it? Why am I feeling this way? What did I miss or not get from before? What don't I understand? Father, what do you want me to know? Reveal your Word to me. Speak to my heart, Lord.
5:43 on the clock.
I read the entire chapter Romans 8 online with the Message translation, and then opened my New International Version. I've ended on verse 32: He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
6:51. I reset for the third and last 20 minutes.
God knows the desire of my heart, our hearts; so how will he not also graciously give us all things?
Stay tuned. The blessing is coming. The miracle is on its way. He is an on-time God.
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